Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?