I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.