Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
accurate
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.