Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
You Might Also Like
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken