I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?