I’d rather go liquor treating.
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
From my Mom
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I could NOT have put it better myself.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.