Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Cake!!
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?