We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I can fix him.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water