[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.