After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks