I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
my professor scared me for a second
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
yeet
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I know a bad idea when I see one.