*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours