Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”