if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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Ok but actually
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke