Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.