DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
smh
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that