In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
You Might Also Like
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
This is not me but this is me
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.