me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You Might Also Like
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?