Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
You Might Also Like
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”