excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
the official breakfast of 2021
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
where do you see yourself in five years?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.