Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I don’t get marriage
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
dads on road-trips be like
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?