If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
When I laugh on my period
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
for all #parents out there
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.