I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
can’t believe I got front row seats
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.