Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.