I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
You Might Also Like
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.