Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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Pickled cat.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”