It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them