The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*limbos under the caution tape