me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Harsh but fair
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?