little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
This was the best day of my life
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I think about this a lot
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.