Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.