The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
You Might Also Like
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
quarantine day 3
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
When someone says you are so lazy
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings