My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.