[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.