I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You Might Also Like
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.