I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir