[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.