My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.