Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
This kid will have a bright future.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Don’t snitch tag.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Mouse
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The days of good grammer has went
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.