One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Oh. My. God.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan