5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
You Might Also Like
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.