Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.