[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up