My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
🤣😂
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like