No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me too door. Me too.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring