I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
best first i’ve ever seen
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday