Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart