Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You Might Also Like
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
he chose this
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad