My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors