[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.